Dear Dreary.
I hope you don't mind me getting in touch. I am in London at the moment as an Olympic competitor. I am team captain of the Nigerian Onanism squad taking part in the games,and as such, expected to lead from the front and set an upstanding example at all times. I have fulfilled my duties without fail for many years. I am the current olympic champion in both the time trials and the freestyle lob, and i am recognised world-wide as a leading player in the elite members club. My nickname, ''Black Rod '', is, i am often told, well deserved, and i can hit a bullseye from ten paces. My sperm content has been
analysed as being of the highest calibre on several occasions. Suddenly, however, with the grand opening and the initial heats of synchronised jiz-off only a week away, there's a problem. I appear to have lost my mojo. I have not changed my warm up routine or my diet, and i am still getting a full eight hours sleep at night. I follow team instructions to the letter : go to bed thinking about bananas, straight from bed to competition venue (no hand contact en route), watch repeat of Nigella's Kitchen (chocolate cake episode), lie in darkened room and imagine a naked Bridgette Bardot singing ''Step Inside Love'' with the voice of Karen Carpenter, watch the film of the destruction of several factory chimneys in reverse, and finally, watch the episode of The Good Life when Felicity Kendall rolls around naked in mud then hoses herself down whilst easing a marrow into herself. But alas, nothing. No signs of life down there. Not a sausage. I have even got my girlfriend back home to whisper sweet nothings to me down the phone but again, the trigger is refusing to be pulled. Not a twitch. I face the prospect of returning home in shame,my career as a professional masturbator in tatters. I feel like i am completely losing my grip and that matters are being taken out of my hands. As a competitor, performance-enhancing drugs of any type are a no-no, but is there anything else you can suggest to get me lifting the quilt again quickly?
Money is not a problem.
Arthur J. Ranke, Olympic Village,Stratford,East London.

Dear Arthur.
I'm sure you love your old chap very much and would put 'him' first before yourself.
The stresses and strains of a modern Olympic athlete are obviously beginning to take their toll. I guess you've been training from a young age? Perhaps starting with the underwear section of the Freemans catalogue? Pumping hand over fist thinking about your friends mum in her platex girdle making jam sandwiches in the kitchen. And you will have been training six hours a day plus? In the queue at Tesco, at the pictures, on the bus on the way home and possibly at the dinner table.
Your little mate is going to feel used, neglected perhaps and I think it's about time you gave him a life. Treat him as an equal and give him time to himself.
Give him an education. I'm sure he's enjoyed looking at 'pictures' over the years but teach him to read and write. You never know, he could write a number one best seller one day.
Let him travel, see a little of the world by himself. He could write his first postcard to you! Imagine that. You'd be so proud.
You could take him to the theatre, send him to high school and even take his driving test.
Remember, if your winky had been a dog then it would be classed as mistreated. Strangling the poor beggar at every opportunity. I'm surprised if it let's you touch it now let alone anyone else!
Just sever all ties with him, let him go and spread his wings. It'll do him good and you might be not so cocky in the future.
Dreary. x