Dear Dreary.
Have you ever wondered why we sometimes use the word 'bird' as slang when describing a woman? This expression,a vivid if somewhat lazy comparison, has its roots as far back as the Roman occupation and its not difficult to see why. At first glance one might see the likeness between human and flying,feathery friend as one of beauty. Both are often beguiling, captivating,appealing,even entertaining. There are endless colours and varieties, and either is capable of making one's heart soar at any given moment, enough to make one instantly dedicate one's life to
their wellbeing and longevity. But they also, of course, have a dark side. Both can be over protective of their young, violently territorial, and capable of mood swings that go off the scale. My own little bird of paradise was especially guilty of this. She was a gorgeous, enthralling specimen, a joy to observe. The countless happy hours i spent, secretly studying her every move in her caged,unclothed splendour,her so frustrated that i had clipped her wings. She'd agree to anything for a few scraps of food, and, i must admit, i abused her trust and accessed my pleasure more than once before i granted her release into the garden. She's just to the left of the apple tree, under the azaleas. I miss her terribly and often just stare at her remains. Do you think there's another as beautiful out there for me?
Yours,
Prof. Albert Ross, Sea-bird Behaviourist by Royal Appointment to Her Majesty,
Fraggle Rock.

Dear Prof. Ross.
I am to assume that your little bird of paradise was tiny. Following on from this deduction, if, as you say, you had carnal pleasure with this bird, then I am further to assume that you have an unusually small tinky. Therefore, I would suggest that your little slice of paradise died laughing.
I bet it's not the first time you've been laughed out of the bedroom is it Professor? Where have you hidden their remains eh? Under the lupins? In the vegetable patch perhaps?
The next bird of paradise you'll see is called Ethel. She's my mate and lives around the corner from you. She's just won gold at the Olympics for the shot put. By the time she's finished with you you'll be able to join her ex husband and enter the cocks less pairs Olympic rowing event. You might even come first. But what's new?
Dreary. x