Dear Dreary.
Can you help please. It's actually my girlfriend who has the problem but she is far too embarassed to contact you. It's a noise problem. She's always suffered with this but recently there has been a strange development. Whenever she has sex, her lady part makes noises. It used to be more like a little windypops escaping, but now its just weird. During a session last weekend i heard a strange, haunting call that i eventually realised had come from her vaggie. It was the mating call from Free Willy.
This was not the first time this has happened though. Over the last few months we've heard Woody Woodpecker, Simba the lion, Digby the biggest dog in the world, and even the bugle call from the jungle book dawn patrol. Each time this happens i become seriously distracted and rapidly lose both interest and erection. We've had Champion the wonder horse, Tony the tiger, and Yogi bear and Boo-Boo. It's all very off-putting and the stress is affecting my sexual performance.
The other night it was praying on my mind and i ended up coming way too soon. The moment i shot my load i heard a hyena laugh and then Bugs Bunny cheerily announced '' er,that's all folks!!''.
Once i had regained my composure, i got going again,but then there was a rustling in the undergrowth, and a funny high-pitched squeak, and a friggin merekat popped its head out and said 'Simples'! It's got to the point where i'm not sure if i'm imagining all this.
I swear during one early morning shagburst i heard a cock crow, then when we had a quickie on the settee during the Grand National i suddenly heard Mr.Ed shouting 'jump boy,jump!', and on holiday once,whilst fooling around on Dartmoor, as i climaxed,i'm convinced a wolf howled! Is there anything you could suggest? Regards, Desmond Morris, Whipsnade.
PS It must be me! : just had a wafty crank in the reptile house, and as i waggled it about i heard a rattlesnake! Arghhhh.......

Dear Desmond.
You could harness this little problem and turn it to your advantage.
If for instance you were woken in the wee hours by a burglar trying to access your premises you could simply pop your arse out if the bedroom window and make a police siren noise and perhaps a few gun shots. That should get shut of 'em!
If, for example you went along to watch the Halle orchestra and they were a trumpet short you could oblige them with your anal antics.
Struggling to get to the bar? Sound the fire alarm!! Self service and you'll be pissed in no time!
You could offer yourself as a mobile dj. Weddings, birthdays etc. Get one of them little microphones attached to your bum and you could cavort around the stage like Madonna. You'd even look like her come to think of it.
Could you do me an impression of Troy Tempest?
Dreary. x