Dear Dreary.
My name is Kevin. I am a 37 year old bachelor who lives with his elderley parents. I believe i have never quite conquered my extreme shyness that haunted my teenage years and have never managed any type of relationship. There have been, however, many females i have obsessed over, and i often find myself re-visiting the places i originally was attracted to them in order to re-enact the scenario in my head. Invariably, wherever these places are, i find myself masturbating. As a result, i have now been arrested for exposing myself in the playground at Dickens Primary (little Jenny Robinson), the gymnasium at St.Magdelene's Secondary (Miss Jones,P.E. teacher), upstairs on the no.14 (big Chelsee Lard), my local library (Mrs. Angela Bristol, assistant librarian),the waiting room in the village surgery (Dr.Ursula Overend), our back garden (old Miss Tibbs next door), from the top diving board, community swimming baths (Dorothy, lifeguard), the font at St.Peter's (choirmistress Ms. Clarissa Eisenhower), the Top Class bingo hall ('Legs Eleven' Lorraine), 'Wool World' on the high street (weekend assistant Lindsey Langtree), on the dentist's chair (blonde dental assitant),my Auntie Val's bedroom,(Auntie Val), the pharmacy department at Asda (Pharmacist, Miss Parfitt), the bus shelter at the top of our street (girl in Aldi advert), and the broom cupboard in the church hall ( 5th St.Mary's Girl Guides). I have also asked for 78 other offences to be taken into consideration. Can you offer any advice?
Kevin Bater, Palmers Green.

Dear Kevin.
At least rest in the knowledge that you havn't put yourself or anyone else in danger whilst pumping your fist in the name of love.
There have been some horror stories I can tell you.
I thought that my grandad died bravely in WWII at the Battle if Britain fighting off the Bosch! Turned out he was pulling more than out of a dive, jizzed all over his cockpit and crashed in to the Channel.
Then there was that Donald chap in his Blue bird. If he hadn't been knocking one out and died then there wouldn't be a real ale named after him I suppose!
And, Jimmy Dean would probably be still here today had he not insisted in 'Brylcreaming' his hair whilst in charge if a moving vehicle.
Count yourself lucky and carry on!!!
Dreary. x