Dear Dreary.
There's been a terrible outbreak of Legionnaires disease at the village hospital.
Old Stan and his pals have barricaded themselves in the east wing and refuse to surrender to the fuzzy wuzzys.
They do look jolly smart in their blue great coats, White trousers and sun hats blowing bugles and firing their rifles out of every window.
Most of the old buggers do sound a little depressed. Not one of them speaks fondly of women, choosing instead to 'forget'.
'We have come here to forget' they all shout.
Which is why they are in the dementia unit and not Fort Sand Dune as they think they are.
Moaning about a lack of water supplies is their main gripe. There's thee water machines in there wing with handy disposable cups.
I'm sure that trip to Blackpool's had something to do with all this!
Do you think it's hygienic having a camel in a hospital corridor? There's shit everywhere and he's eaten all the patients flowers.
Yours,
Bo Peep.

Dear Bo.
I have every sympathy. I remember all too vividly the 1980's outbreak of Parkinson's Disease that originated in the Shepherd's Bush area. I was working as a BBC researcher at the time and i recall the shock at the severity of the symptoms and how quickly it seemed to affect its victims. Without any prior warning, previously boring ,ignorant cockneys suddenly developed a dry Yorkshire wit and the ability to interview celebrities and entertain an audience. An endless stream of superstars amazingly volunteered their services to help out. There were serious side-effects however. Patients suffered an overwhelming desire to purchase flat caps as cheaply as possible and to race whippets. They then suffered the disgrace of a pronounced 'Professionalitis Yorkshiritis' and attempted to convince the world that the white rose county had become fashionable and interesting. Later in life these poor souls ended up advertising over-priced insurance policies to pensioners and even resorted t
o giving away free biros in order to attract business. So beware
the possible long-term effects of Legionnaires and resist any inkling to roam the desert or to eat copious amounts of garlic.
Given the choice, i'd rather be a Yorkshireman. D.