My dear darling ding dong Dreary.
Can you come up with any suggestions for my girlfiends christmas present?
My Fenella always insists that i buy her something sexy but this year i am struggling to think of anything after what happened last year. We spent last xmas at her mothers and there was an unfortunate incident in the afternoon. Fenella slipped upstairs to try out her new remote controlled vibrator.
Unfortunately the handset from her mother's new tv got accidently switched with the one supplied with the Mammoth Moaner. As mother frantically trawled the channels as the queen appeared on the screen, Fenella's screams of ecstacy could be heard in the next street.
The previous year i got her a full body heavy duty rubber dominatrix suit, complete with wartime gas mask. She tied me to the banister rail xmas night but while i waited for the action to start the sprouts got the better of her. A strangely satisfied smile lingered momentarily on her lips as she obviously broke wind with great gusto.
After a few minutes of this her smile turned to a grimace as she realised that her wind power was inflating the suit. She finally managed to remove it the day after boxing day and she emerged from it a wrinkly, stinking, dishevelled mess. Previously i have bought her peep-hole plastic panties (the friction burns were horrendous), a matching purple dildo/cock ring set (i spent 72 hours in hospital with my ringpiece in an ice bucket ),she's also had a ''Gaggin 4 It'' gimp mask ( i bought the wrong size and she damn near throttled herself), the ann summers Monopoly game ( she inserted the little dog and built brothels on Mayfair ),the double-ended dildo that she lent to her mother and never got back because she broke it, and the board game Confessions, during which she admitted to being born a man.
Surely this year must be better? What can you suggest?
Compliments of the season,
Thomas Chaucer,
Canterbury.


Dear Thomas.
Your good lady certainly has an appetite for the sensual pleasures in life.
Why not try something a little different this Christmas?
There are a fine selection of board games out this year. Why not treat her to Tiddlywanks or TrouserSnakes & Ladders? There's always Subbuteo Table Snooker. Simply bend her over the dining room table and decide whether you want to go for the pink or the brown!
There's a load of new perfumes on the market too. Try 'Just Cum' or 'On The Rag'.
Have you been to the new SexToysRUs store?
Ken has actual got a knob with real hair and gripping hands. You can build a Lego dildo guaranteed to shag your ring to pieces and 'FuckaRoo' is a twist on a classic kids game involving a kangaroo and a steady hand!
Hope my tips helped!
I'll send you my leaflet 'The more holes the better, how to butter a crumpet'.
Merry Christmas! xx