Dear Dreary.
Can you put my mind at rest please? A friend has been telling me about this problem with horses eating burgers made out of human flesh.
Apparently, the subsequent manure hosts a bug which is then distributed into the population by unsuspecting stable boys. Irritable Jockey's Syndrome, as it has become known, results in victims suffering from severe and rapid height and weight loss, and only subsides when the patient is small enough to limbo under a toilet cubicle door whilst holding a whip and wearing goggles and a brightly coloured jacket.
Some papers reckon this is the work of the National Dwarfism Party, who, they claim, intend to fight the government on a variety of small issues, including the rather vexing question of why are all primary school children required to be little, and why are midgets held in such low esteem.
This could be just the start of it. Standards, as well as inside leg measurements, could drop permanently. How low might these little buggers stoop?
I am concerned.
Yours,
Jolly Green Giant,
Cornwall.

Dear Mr Giant.
It's a very serious matter and you do well to bring the subject up.
There was that scandal a few weeks ago when that farmer was caught feeding his cows that cub scout pack from Clithero. One young heffer choked on a woggle, whilst another small calf went on to pass it's home help and knot tying badges.
There was of course that massive hoo ha when that sea cadet band went missing, presumed to have been made into dog biscuits. No one would have been any the wiser until Mrs Pringle caught her minature dashund, Winnie, playing the bass drum in it's kennel with Archie, the cairn terrier on bugle.
Small things amuse small minds Mr Giant. Perhaps if you stopped eating all that sweetcorn you wouldn't be so big, stupid and green and little people wouldn't bother you as much.
Dreary. x