Dear Dreary.
It's happened again. I just can't help myself, what am I going to do? Some days i simply cannot pass anyone in the street without saying a cheery ''morning!'' or ''how are you?'', or smiling at a total stranger. I must stop it. People look at me as though I'm an alien or something. Women usually reply with ''pervert'' or ''weirdo'' and give me an evil stare. Older chaps tend to simply look away, and young lads usually cast some obscenity or other in my direction, not even bothering to stop fiddling about down their tracksuit bottoms. My condition has been christened by experts ' Compulsive Politeness Disorder' and is mainly suffered by people aged 50 and
above, many of whom find it impossible to shake off the habits of a lifetime. Elderly men can also by afflicted by an additional urge to doff their hat when approaching a woman, whilst women of a certain age may whisper a shy 'good day to you' before quickly looking away. My doctor prescribed the usual treatment, two weeks
' supply of strong cider, a month spent watching daytime tv, the very occasional visit to the jobcentre, constant participation on facebook and twitter, and a copy of the government sponsored leaflet 'The Chav's Guide To Modern Britain', but all to no avail. I've even bought the standard issue bull terrier and i can now spit in the street, but there's been no obvious improvement. I am beginning to think it's a genetic issue. Is there anything more i can do?
Yours, Major Laffe, Little Todgerington.

Dear Major.
Obviously a gentleman and schooled in the old ways, holding open doors, helping old ladies across the street and doing your home help badge in cubs.
Society, as you know, has no room for people like you anymore. You have to toughen up. I see you are trying but you need to try harder.
On no account use the words please and thankyou. Don't hold anything open for anyone unless it's your flies.
When you next pop round to see grandma DO NOT make tea and biscuits! Tie her up, hide her under the stairs and pinch her false teeth.
Next time you help an old dear over the road throw them under a bus instead.
Get the idea?
Dreary. X

I DO try, honestly, but i just find it so difficult to stop. I went to Tesco though yesterday, so I pulled out all the stops. At the checkout when the girl-between chews-managed to mumble ''would you like any help packin ?'' I scowled at her and growled '' Do I look like I know any pakis bitch?''. I'm proud to say I'm now barred. Thanks D.