Dear Dreary.
I'm chief inspector of the local village police force and our local council is playing merry hell with the way we do things around here.
They've taken the panda car, two bicycles and the Morris mini van that we use to throw villains in and sometimes to transport tables and chairs from the church hall to the village green for the annual fete.
In return, they've given us a selection of old council vehicles to cut costs on tax and fuel.
PC Windsock has been given a milk float, PC Nuts has been given an old bin wagon to put the robbers in and we've even been booted out of the police station and moved into Thowd Truncheon & Trumpet, the local Inn.

We've become a laughing stock. We're hard pushed to catch a blind man with a stick and our new jail is overcrowded as everyone wants a lock in in the Truncheon & Trumpet. The vicar's been arrested three times this week already. Once for preaching naked in his pulpit, once for drinking all of the blood of Christ and pissing in the font at a christening. Talk about wetting the babies head! And once, last night, for playing his pipe organ in full view of Miss Down, the flower arranger.
Please help. I feel they've taken the pea out of my whistle.
DCI Dick Barton.


Dear DCI 'Dead-Eye'.
Local authority cuts are biting hard these days, all you can do is put your case forward to central government. My local council have been reduced to sweeping the streets with the scalps of illegal immigrants, and are now staffing care homes with vagrants and gypsies. Kills two birds, you see. Rubbish collections are now monthly, but if you have a family you can arrange for the council to give you a fox, which will rifle you bins for the smelliest scraps and deposit them elsewhere. All public lavatories have been locked up. Each now has an adapted oildrum outside where the desperate can squat. A drive-in version is sometimes available for wheelchair users. Council tips have closed, so a list of addresses is displayed where rubbish can be deposited. Coincidentally, these are the homes of local sex offenders.
Good luck Dick!