Dear Dreary.
Can you dispel an urban myth for me please? Personally I am sure that this cannot be true,but several friends insist that if you focus your mind intensely it is possible to whistle through the end of your erect penis. I have tried hard myself many times, and cannot even manage to blow any air out of the thing let alone summon up random tunes. Am i doing it wrong? I hold my aroused chap gently in my palm and try to will any gas in my body towards my groin, whilst adjusting the tip and eye into the shape of puckered lips. I love nothing more than a carefree whistle, i do not have a problem maintaining the erection and i like to think i have a wide-ranging knowledge of popular songs, but alas, nothing. A work colleague, however, has shown me video footage he recorded in the shower of his member happily whistling ''raindrops keep falling on my head'', and my carer Julian has a clip on his phone of his todger chirping away to ''don't let the sun go down on me''. They have both also pointed me in the direction of the website http://www.thehappywhistler.com/, which has footage of variously coloured and sized willies performing such classics as ''I shot the sheriff'', ''If i'd known you were coming i'd a baked a cake'', ''Up up and away'', and even ''There is nothing like a dame''. My friend Alan can whistle ''I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts'' and ''A hard day's night'' and he has now asked me round to his place to show me his technique and his collection of Barry Manilow dvd's. Am i right to feel a little concerned that he'll expect me to perform ''Copacabana'' or something for him? I'm really not up for this.
Yours, Roger Whittaker, Durham.

Dear Roger.
If you're to make it as a willy whistler you're going to have to leave old Durham town and it might just get you down.
The golden rule is to not let anyone else play your willy for you unless of course you're that way inclined. Blowing us NOT the whistling way!!
There are several good books out there teaching the basics from how to hold it, warm up techniques, fingering exercises and improvisation.
Once you've mastered these you can progress to such delights as '101 hits for willy whistlers', ' blow your cock off 'and 'Andy Stewart plays his bagpipes' for the more senior players.
Please be aware that you should not, under any circumstances play it outside schools, whilst driving or at the zoo.
I have a friend, Pasqueflower, who's a grade eight and could certainly show you a thing or two.
Whistle while you work!
Dreary.
Actually, don't whistle at work, you might just get the 'sack'!