Dear Dreary.
I'm head of GropingHam Area Health Authority and I'm having terrible trouble with my junior doctors. They're upsetting me so much I've turned to drink and my job hangs very much in the balance.
The times I have to shout at them for running up and down the corridors and hiding under patients beds.
Every time I do my rounds they stand there sniggering at the very mention of wees and poos and the first sign of blood they start being sick everywhere and crying.
In theatre they're often too short to peer over the operating table so rarely pay attention and resort to playing with the laughing gas and blowing up surgical gloves to bat around to each other.
Their hygiene leaves a lot to be desired often found picking their noses and wiping it on a passing matron.
They're late for work in the morning and find it hard to stay awake after three o'clock and have to go home for a jam butty and a glass of milk.
And if I catch one of them again with a stethoscope pressed up to the nurses changing room door I shan't be responsible for my actions!
Please help.
Dr Cornelius Prune.

Dear Doc.
Yet another example i'm afraid of severe cutbacks and the blatant misuse of the Work Experience project. My bus driver the other day couldn't have been a day over fourteen, and my current dentist is a twelve year old Malawian refugee called Ada. Our local MP is fitting in his duties around his GCSE's, and during a recent chat with my mortgage advisor he started playing with Lego. Where will it all end? My editor, bless her, is a sweet little thing, but she comes to me every Friday for advice on homework and anal sex. No wonder there's so much unemployment. Teachers are suddenly younger than pupils, taxi drivers need cushions, and policemen's helmets are covering their eyes. I am definitely NOT looking forward to annual MOT with my gynaecologist next week.
Take care. D.