Dear Dreary.
My boyfriend of nearly three months is making me mad and I might stop going out with him if he doesn't grow up and stop being a big baby.
He still lives at home with his mum and her boyfriend and he never has any money. He's always playing computer games or out with his mates. When he does hang with me he never seems to make the effort. Runny nose, grubby hands, shirt hanging out and a hole in his pants just above the knee.
He took me out one night. I didn't even get a drink out of him. He reckoned that if he got one raspberry puppy slush he could just about afford two packets of stickers for his football album.
And as far as 'heavy petting' goes I was hardly impressed with his sex knowledge and experience when he dropped his pants, farted and tried to stick his cheesy dinky in my eye.
I'm not going out with him ever again.
You tell him Dreary.
His name is Anthony Jarvis.

Geraldine Dooney. Age 10.

Dear Geraldine.
Was Anthony adopted as a baby do you know? He reminds me very much of my first husband - also an Anthony. How strange! - whose young baby was adopted after the divorce as both parents were classed unfit. I was the un-named 'other party'
and the root cause, so he said, of his mental illness. Anyway, your problem is easy to solve. Take him swimming! Communal changing areas are a fab idea, and if you swim at the best times (the last hour before closing on a monday, i find), you will have ample opportunity to give him a glimpse of what could be his. As he has already obviously joined the male world of night time emissions and cheese production, your firm, pert, downy features will interest even him. This is the time to remind him about how a girl expects to be treated and to hint at what his reward could be. This will introduce
both of you to the real world and how relationships work. In no time at all he'll be buying you ice creams and taking you to the movies.
Then, as things come up, and your silky, virginal, pink pleasure palace develops, you can raise the stakes and explore each other fully and show him how to please you . I am sending you my leaflet on how to avoid pregnancy. D.
PS: can you make a mental note to give me his number in a couple of years?
PPS: his dad had a birth mark halfway up his winky.
Have you noticed anything similar?