Dear Dreary.
I've spent my life 'on the road' as a roadie and am thinking of writing my memoirs. I've worked with some of the biggest names in the business and some of the things I've seen would certainly make you blush.
I first started roadie-ing for Pam Ayres back in the seventies, arranging her stool, ironing her dresses and carrying all her poetry books around in a little leather satchel. That wry smile as she began her recital? Me, pulling a moony behind the camera.
After Pam I did a tour with Paper Lace. Billy, Don't Be A Hero was written about me. They used to call me Billy. Billy Whizz, on account if all the speed I'd take. 'Don't be a hero' they'd shout as I ran to the shop for some paper doyleys to decorate the stage.
My biggest stint was touring with Leftenant Pidgeon.
Mouldy Old Dough was written about the old dears gussett who played the piano. I used to have to run on stage during their set and change her bag.
Orville and Keith were shaggin' her back then too.
Too much information? Want to read more?
Call me.
Yours,
Dickie Crumpler

Oh dear Dickie. More information? I'd rather give up the g and t for a weekend. When will your mob of ageing, boring sherpas realise that the hippy thing has been done to death, and we have no interest in reading such purile fantasies or how you still need to finance your pathetic drug habit. We already know all about Mick and Keef's 'secret' passion for rafia mats, we've been friggin force-fed Mary Hopkins' altar-ego as a bearded Greek-Cypriot bishop, the nation has had it to the back fuckin teeth with boring tales of Lemmy's cross-dressing dwarf, Rod's incontinence chair, Dana's conviction for bull abuse, Peters and Lee's role reversal, Francis Rossi's crab-laden pubic wig, and, of course, Les Gray's 'sponsorship' of St. Wilfred's school choir. No Dickie ,let it drop. Inform your ghost writer his services are no longer required and give us all a fucking break.

So, not a good idea then?
I know your roadie actually and he's thinking about writing a book!
Lettuce licker!!

Old news Rambo. Ozzie says to ask you about how you 'sacrficed' the goat and the subsequent kids. Nice goattee,by the way.
Dreary.x