Dear Dreary.
I’ve recently received some lottery funding and have now been able to make my dream come true and opened a gift shop at H.M. Prison Grizzly.
Aside from the usual prison guide, car stickers and badges there’s a wealth of souvenir treats on hand for that ‘hard to buy for’ maximum security risk inmate or indeed the ex-con back home who has everything.
For the kids there’s sawn off shotguns, knuckle dusters, and a knife and dagger play set plus a selection of ‘do it yourself’ tattoo starter kits.
There’s also a range of concrete shoes available in most sizes and a choice of lead, cement or brushed steel effect finish.
There’s handcuff pencil sharpeners, syringe candy dispensers and a patio garden set including spade, chloroform, gaffer tape and disposable overalls.
To set those taste buds racing we have our delicious cake shop where customers can choose from a lavish Victoria sponge with a delicious galvanised metal file filling or why not try our sumptuous black forest gateaux with a hint of hand grenade and hand gun surprise.
The problem is that I keep getting robbed. Last week I was held up by my own water pistol and rubber truncheon set!
It’s high time we, as a society stopped glamorising the life of the criminal mind and come down like a tonne of bricks on those that fail to tow the line. Which reminds me, we have a sale on our house brick range. £3 per brick or five for £50! It’s daylight robbery!
Your thoughts on this matter would be very much appreciated.
Yours,
Myra Porridge.
H.M. Prison Grizzly
My dear Myra.
The "glamorising", as you term it, of what most people would want to see as an institute of correction, is sadly typical of recent government policy. "Commerciality" they call it. Every department has to be seen to be contributing to the central budget. Only last week, a contact I have in Whitehall was spilling the beans to me regarding a Foreign Office initiative to raise funds. At weekends, they plan to run an origami class for Lesbian Muslim Fundamentalists. Appropriately enough for the Shi'ites, the class will take part in the toilet block.
Elsewhere, in order to help keep finance local police stations and to relieve pressure on overnight cells, Lancashire Constabulary are hoping to house "customers" in Premier Inns. The recently-formed Offenders Union, however, has lodged a complaint. They are not too keen on the continental breakfast on offer and the rather basic room amenities. The police response was to threaten the offenders with a stay in a cell with Lenny Henry, which, to be honest, would be enough to convince to take the hotel offer.
So HM Prison Grizzly is not alone. This appears to be the future of government departments. What comes next? Brothels in NHS surgeries? Car washing in fire stations? Who knows.
By the way, a friend of mine manufactures a range of speciality lubrication products. I have taken this opportunity to send you a catalogue. The range is called "Sure Shag Redemption".
Happy shopping!
Dreary.
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