Dear Dreary.
I never thought i would get over the loss of my precious fanny. Lost in a terrible accident twelve years ago, i was left bereft in early middle age, condemned to an existence without life's ultimate pleasure. No more the thrill of a quiet night in, losing myself in her various sensual charms.
No more early morning rampant delight, my hardness and stamina a shock to us both. Or so i thought! How she got there i cannot think, but when i moved the settee the other day to lay a new carpet there she was! Still looking pristine in her little pink box, all inviting yet somehow neglected, my pleasure treasure awaiting my attention.
The words "My Fanny" still sparkling like new in silver lettering around the ever-ready clitoris, the faint bitemarks still evident. I can't believe she's come back to me. Can you suggest somewhere i can take her for a romantic weekend? Thanks D. Benjamin Netanyahu, Cairo.


Dear Benjamin.
It begs the question, where are Fanny's other bits? Like her arms and legs, head, torso, green shield stamps?
Isn't it a bit embarrassing taking Fanny out to dinner? I take it she wears a thong at least? Do you take her to the bathroom?
Does she put her teeth in to eat?
Better take them out again before she swallows I suppose!!
What do your friends think? Can she speak?
Has she, could she, ever hold down a job? I'm sure she's filled many positions over the years, I'm just curious.
There's a twat in our office that could do to be replaced.
Should I send Fanny an application form?
I hope she's got her GCSE in English?
Dreary. X