Dear Dreary.
PLEASE SEND HELP!! I am sending this message by pigeon and simply hope that it reaches you quickly as I don't think I'll survive much longer. I was abducted by a militant order of nuns whilst visiting Salzburg to take part in the annual choir festival, and then sold as a slave to a well known Austrian politician named Von Krapp who has a secluded mansion high in the Austrian Alps. He keeps me against my will so that i can act as governess to his obnoxious children and teach them to sing well enough to take part in next year's festival. But how I now hate the sound of music. Would you believe, he even
employs guards kitted out in nazi uniforms to make sure I don't try to escape. The hills are alive with them. At night I am strapped to the bed and force-fed Von Krapp's smoked Austrian sausage. Apart from this, they just feed give me tea, a drink with jam and bread. I am forced to wear a tag if the children wish to play in the grounds and severley beaten and gang-raped by the guards if I step out of line. The oldest child, who is sixteen going on seventeen, even lets her postman boyfriend have a go. Now there's idle vice-talk of them letting me be abused by a lonely goatherd. My only chance of escape would be to climb every mountain between here and Germany, but I am so weak I know I would never make it. It's too far, a long long way to run. So long, farewell. I hope this reaches you in time.
Please come quick!
Maria, somewhere in Austria.

My dear Maria.
How do you solve this problem?
It's time to say so long ,farewell to these Von Krapps. You're going to have to disguise yourself as another musical film star. Have you got a motorbike? In The Great Escape The Musical, Steve The Queen slips one past Fritz with ease. In Von Ryans National Express The Musical you could disguise yourself as ol' blue eyes himself dressed like Henry Fonda in The Battle of Midway, The Musical, running after a bus. Can't afford a train in the budget, but don't let Harry Hun stop you dead in your tracks. Frank spoilt the whole film for me, missing that train, being such a pansy!
Your best bet would be to dress as a Zulu warrior woman out of Zulu, The Musical. You could dress up in just a skimpy loin cloth with a few beads hanging between your bazookas carrying a little spear. What would look nice would be to wear a jacket like Micheal Caine had with all the buttons undone so we can still see your jubblies. Then, borrow the vicars bike and ride like the wind to the nearest train station and get a one way ticket to Blackpool North.
You could get a job in Chuckle Brothers The Musical.
Thinking about it though, i'd stay where you are. Dressed as a nun, all that kinky German gear lying around? Phwoar!!!!!
Dreary. x