Dear Dreary.
I wish to make allegations against several seventies rock musicians, the confessions and carry on lot and the porn industry.
I was a groupie in those days and followed all the top bands around in the hope of getting a closer look you might say. Once, Jimmy Poge of Deep Turtle found me hiding naked in his cistern cupboard at a hotel and promptly aroused a member of staff before slapping my buttocks with a dead fish.
Once, on the set of 'Confessions of a Druggy Slapper' I was snorting a line if coke off Robin Askme's knob when suddenly he reached out and touched me just above the knee. It was
disgusting!
On the set of carry on matron I was in the dressing room with some of the other girls having a sexy lesbian orgy when Bernard Braces walked passed, stopped and went Phwoar, looking right at me! The dirty pervert has ruined my life ever since.
During filming 'Spunk Everywhere, Fist Me Without My Pants On' I was being spit roasted by my co-actors when one of the camera men starting filming it for fuck sake! I couldn't believe it! Peeping Tom!!
Anyway, like I said, my life is in tatters now thanks to these dirty molesting bastards!
Give me some compo I'm hard up,
Linda Lovepants.
Paris.

Ah Linda.
Do i detect that familiar sound of an ex-celeb hitting rock bottom? Where have you been for the last 30 years? I take it the money has run out. You can forget the desperate plea for compo. Time to seek employment in the grannie-porn market i'm afraid. Get yourself into the studio and get out those once luscious,fullsome boobies and let em warm your kneecaps; trim the grey goarse from your once tight love lips and get used to the feel of them flapping in the wind. There is a whole new market out there ready to welcome you with open legs. Current hotflix in the 'mature' field include 'Granny Rides Delaney's Donkey', 'Nanphomaniac 2: Anal Bingo', 'Fill My Ageing Dried-up Tunnel Sonny', 'My Gums Await', and 'Flaps Down'. With your reputation you cannot fail. It's a lucrative market and if you employ a good accountant you could receive your pension as well!
Swallow your pride : you'll need the space in your throat. D.


Well I like that!!
You might just as well have put your hand up my skirt as say those derogatory remarks!
You big fat lezza! I'll make sure you never work again!