Dear Dreary.
HElP! I believe battery hen farming has been made illegal, but i had to move huts recently and am now being forced to work in a soulless enclosed space that has no natural light or atmosphere.
My closest friend has been sent to slaughter and my new colleagues are boring and unfriendly, and the boss is so incompetent that he hasn't even yet realised that not only am i still to produce my first egg, but that this is because i am actually a cock. Our production levels are to be checked at the end of the month so i can't imagine what will be said.
Those all around me seem happy enough and keep pecking away, apparently happy with their lot. I think though that this could be because they are all either conditioned to be braindead or have no sense of humour whatsoever.
I would love the fox to get in one night and chew their fat irrelevant knecks. Is this my reward for years of loyal service? Maybe it will be for the best if i join my buddy.
I am so unhappy.
Please help me.
Floghorn Cleghorn, Henley.

Dear Cleggy.
A cock like you needs to spread it's wings! You need to get out whilst you can before they realise that you are incapable of laying an egg and they reduce your daily corn allowance.
You need to leave the coup door open leaving your cramped space vulnerable to attack from a wily old fox. He could ravage all the other hens, nick all the eggs causing such a commotion that no one will notice you slipping out the back.
It's time to break out. You decide when and how you like your eggs, not anyone else!
I like mine fertilised, call me?
Dreary. xx