Dear Dreary.
My knickers are very tight and i'm having trouble fastening my bra clasp. My tights rip constantly owing to the strain of my voluminous flesh and my Sunday frock keeps coming undone at the back revealing rather more than a girl would like.

I have trouble getting a gentleman friend though it's not from lack of trying.
Young boys run away when I approach them and I've appeared in several identity parades.
We all have needs Dreary. Next door won't let me look after little Harvey the dashund any more and Farmer Poole has an injunction out against me. Not allowed within a mile of his sheep.
Any of your male readers want a pen pal?
Geoff.

I think most of my readers would indeed rather have a pen as a pal to be honest Geoff. There is much to be said for it. A reliable constant companion who has no needs or mood swings, but one who is always there for you when you need them. No need for a computer here, just a trusted and loved partner to support you through life's dramas. I treasure my collection like they are husbands, and if one day their supply of fluid expires I tend for them in my breast pocket and pass on their duties to a hand-picked substitute. My favourite is my Parker Swivelhead, a long chunky model boasting dual action and either soft or hard nib. It never fails to satisfy! He even says ''Yes m'lady?'' every time i flick his little switch, and always sees me through to the end whenever my creative juices are flowing. I am caressing him as i write. Then,when I'm all done, i'll pop him somewhere snug and warm in case i need him during the night and then it's off to Bedfordshire for the two of us. You can rely on
a pen Geoff.
Dreary. xx