Dear Dreary. I am contacting you on behalf of a friend who has a rather unusual problem. My friend runs a swimming school. He swam for Great Britain back in the day, but some of his recent training techniques have got him into trouble. He films all his pupils so that he can show them where they are going wrong. To make this worthwhile, he also films them underwater,and this is what got him into trouble. Turns out that he was posting the clips on youtube and somebody reported him to the police as the camera work seemed to concentrate largely on the swimmers' crotch area. He tried to deny this when originally questioned, but the fact that he listed the clips as ''Genitalia Aquatica'' probably didn't help. One particular swimmer,a middle aged chap, (let's call him Ian),obviously excited by his new-found passion, was shown to be releasing a little wee as he completed each length. My friend also posted this clip on a more specialist website called www.cloudy waters.com. Unfortunately,this lead to more and more ''leakers'' requesting lessons,even though most of them were perfectly good swimmers. There were sessions where they were queueing up to be filmed, each one desperate for the toilet. The pool was becoming murkier each week,and the local Y.M.C.A,who own the pool,began to ask questions. Ian's patience also ran out one day when he was filmed in the changing room. Normally he didn't mind this,but on this particular occasion he was suffering from post-swim chloride shrinkage so asked my friend not to post the clip. However,there it was a few days later on http://www.towelmedown.com/. At fist there appeared to be very little obvious evidence for the police to use,but with the use of computerised magnification they prosecuted. His business and private life in tatters, my friend attempted suicide in his bath, but his nerve failed
him at the last minute and,ironically, he pissed the bath when he looked at the razor. Can you suggest a way forward for me--er,sorry--him? J. Weismuller-Yoghurt, Poole.



Dear J.
Out in the far East is where you're best trying your luck. Their swimming pools are everything ours aren't anymore and they are always actively seeking middle aged western blokes to fly out to Bangcock and help out with the breast stroke.
They encourage heavy petting and there's always a bloke on hand to scoop out the 'jelly fish' afterwards.
Back, inner thigh, cock and snatch stroke have all been perfected here.
The butterfly or madam as it is known was invented here too. Old widow wanky fell in a lake and her flaps swelled to the size of giant butterfly
wings. Flapping wildly in the breeze her 'wings' brought her safely to the shore.
Don't flounder in the deep end, Ian, you middle aged, fat fuck. Get over there.
Do be careful though, they are fond of whale meat. Wouldn't swim in the sea if I were you.
Dreary. x